In 2016, I had one of the most emotionally dark years of my life yet.
I woke up every day feeling physically tired – I could stay indoors, in bed every day if I had no people in my life to nag and drag me out of bed.
My husband irritated me just by walking into a room. My kids annoyed me so much, I was almost always snapping at them. I hated food, music, happy people made me mad, sad people just needed to grow up… And here I was, a pastor of a church, supposed to preach on Sunday, go to work on Monday, have some counseling conversations with people, love my husband and kids and not kill anyone.
I walked about with such heaviness in my heart, and no matter how much I prayed, I couldn’t seem to get over it. I willed myself to be happy. I meditated on the word. I even traveled to the U.S, and I mostly was bored through it all, simply existing. I had some very beautiful moments, but they were overshadowed by the darkness.
I felt like I was in a dark hole that kept getting deep and deeper with every passing day. My friends were confused, and some said they were even afraid of me through that period, because they could not reach me. I cut them out. Not intentionally, but I was like a thorny plant that would hurt anyone that touched it.
I would stay in my room with curtains closed on all Fridays and turn my phone off – on that one day, no one had expectations of me, so I could wallow. It was my day off.
One of those weeks, I couldn’t take it anymore. I called in sick, because I really felt sick. I had a week of self-pity planned out. As I crawled into the couch and got my series lined up, there was a hoot at the gate.
Well, I was not expecting anyone, so I did not move an inch. Then as the car parked, I heard a familiar voice – my pastor and father had come. Aaarrghhhh I wanted to be ALONE! Now I was going to be forced to talk. Why now?
He walked in, all upbeat and clearly determined to take me out of the house. We had chatted and I had clearly told him I was sad and did not want company. He said he was coming and I asked him to please leave me be. Well, if you know Mosze, you know that he couldn’t take no for an answer.
I promised myself I would not talk to him, and I told him. He was unmoved. We went to a place with great desserts and I ordered the largest ice-cream sundae ever, gulping it without a care. Then I stared back at Mosze in silence. He kept smiling and asking questions until I spoke, and started weeping in a public restaurant.
By the end of the treat, I was feeling lighter, and together with my husband, they had made me call and book a 3 day retreat away. I went away, wept, slept, breathed and came back lighter and less toxic. I didn’t know all I needed was a break. I was TIRED.
King Solomon in Proverbs 18:1 says A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment. NKJV
When the enemy seeks to destroy us, he isolates us. Once he has us alone, he starts to magnify our problems until it feels like there is nothing else in our lives, and that there is no way out. In some instances, people have even taken their lives, over whelmed by a situation that could have been talked through or simplified
Because I lead in the church setting, one of the red lights for us is when someone unplugs from fellowship. Unless they have traveled or moved to a fresh fellowship space, we immediately know there is a problem.
They have either made a big mistake and are weighed down by the shame and guilt, or they are sad and discouraged and struggling to be around seemingly happy people.
If you’re deeply sad or you’ve made a critical mistake, please please do not isolate yourself. Find someone and talk to them.
Go eat some fattening food and eat some sweet ice cream – they call it comfort food for a reason. Take a holiday before you snap. And whatever you do, do not stay downcast for too long or isolate yourself from the warmth of great fellowship. A crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22
A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing,
But a broken spirit dries up the bones. NKJV
Nehemiah 8:10
Then he said to them, “Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” NKJV